Imagine this: you know (or believe) that you have a “good”sense of humour and an unapologetic flair in sarcasm. But you do not know the invisible “line” that people are ready to tread with that , beyond which you could be termed “insensitive moron”. That is me.
No, no one (at least until now) has used those two words together to describe me, but yes the first word “insensitive” sounds familiar to me …. Or at least a few other close synonyms to the same word — and YES, I have heard a few of them.
To be honest, hearing them — wasn’t the most difficult part. The most difficult part was - when it came from a friend.
I recently told someone, I am addicted to my friends. Addiction sounds negative, but yes, I personally want myself in that space where I can speak my mind. But I agree that I am guilty of ruining that space sometimes with comments that can be at the wrong moment even with the right person.
They say 'Shit Happens'. With me, it happens time and again. 😑😑
Long back, my close friend came home…. Looking worried.
I asked my friend what the matter was. And he answered “the doc said that my son will need to use glasses henceforth ….” His son was 5-6 years old at that time.
Giving it a scientific thought (since I believe I am a pseudo-scientific wizard), I looked at him and his wife… both staring at me, through their glasses, the ones I have seen since I have known them — I responded in less than 2 secs … “Why is that a shocker for you? If you sow the seeds of pumpkin, you wont get a watermelon” well I said something that means similar in my language. For me it was just genetics, both of them had glasses— why wouldn’t the son have one?…Duh!!!
3 days later, my friend comes and tells me… “I wasn’t expecting that from you…. You don’t need to so insensitive with your words. You need to know when to be empathetic”
Fast Forward a few years.
Was talking to a friend who works in the US. We were discussing the H1B visa challenges that people have. So I was asking her if she had visa issues, and she said “No, I have a US passport “.
Ah…. I hadn’t known that. Probably not a topic that was ever mentioned since I had known her. So, I was curious on how she got that. She told me that she had this America dream when she was young. Go to the US, get a green card …passport .. Get settled there Etc.
She then went on to tell me how she got married to a US citizen. A proper arranged marriage…. And thus, she got her passport etc.
Aaha…. I said.
It took me the next .5 secs to put together my theory. (Honestly that’s how fast I could put this new piece of information and something I already had heard from her long back)
I knew she was divorced, and it was a rather short yet troubled stint at that relationship. Something she never wanted to talk about.
And my remark in the next .5 secs was, “Aaha, so you did benefit from that short relationship you had with your ex-husband” (logical reasoning helps to put 2+2=5….. I was good at logical reasoning too in school)
She laughed it off.
3 days later I get a text, “that was a very insensitive comment from your side…You have no idea what I went through in that relationship”.
Fast forward again…
This time with a colleague who was also my project mate during the Covid times.
Had never met her in person until then, yet we were in touch pretty much every other day.
There was once an episode when she went MIA - Missing in Action…. For a week.
Was reaching out to her for something important, and there was an absolute silence on her side. And then after a week she responded…. “Sorry, I wasn’t well”. The “concerned me” called immediately to check on her and that is when she explained that she was pregnant and it was too early to announce and therefore they had kept it under wraps and she was troubled with morning sickness etc. I was very happy to hear that and wished her and her husband the very best. (being a father of two, I am in general always happy to see or hear about babies)
Almost a year or more later, I had to reach out to her for something. Messages, emails…. No response.
So I sent her a one liner — “Where the hell are you? Pregnant again?” (Logical reasoning + "History repeats itself" added into that statement)
3 days later I get a message …. “That was a really disrespectful comment” or something along those lines.
I did call her later to apologize about that. She said, “I am ok with your subtle (goofy is the word she used) sarcasm when it is face to face, but never do it over a text. You have zero clue what the other person is dealing with”
I couldn’t agree more with her.
Fast forward again…
Again a good friend …. Went MIA (missing in action) for sometime
A few texts -- no news… so I let it be. Knowing well that she would get back when she is sane.
Later called me to explain that she was under a bit of a panic attack.
Reason? She had developed a rash and made the mistake of googling about it.
Well Google has this odd habit of connecting the smallest of the medical issues to cancer or something that will kill you tomorrow. Anyway she had gone through all the possible medical advice and meeting doctors and all of that confirmed it was a minor issue and nothing to flex your brain muscles about.
I am one person who can connect to her mental state, because I am also someone whose panic meter moves faster than the Ferrari engine when it comes to medical issues. So I asked her, whether the rash was super big and dark… somehow my “logical mind” was connecting her deep state panic to something that at least “looked” serious (big and dark…. Is my explanation of something serious on the skin). To which her response was that it looked more like an insect bite…
My brain screamed inside and the automatic response was… “And for that you are making such a fuss and meeting so many people?”
Her immediate response was “F U…. That was such an offensive and disrespectful response to someone who is in panic”
I breathed calmly….. And thought… OOPS... I did it AGAIN!!!
Now for the last story ….. And this time I rewind quite a few years.
It was the birthday off someone I wouldn’t even call a friend at that time. I was pulled into the “birthday party” by chance, not by choice. (who cares as long as there is a cake!!!)
So there I was in a party, where her well wishers were showering gifts to her and there I was, like someone who is around for the free food. And to this day I believe she didn’t want to pay for my presence.
During those days I had this habit of collecting birthday cards which had some “naughty or sarcastic” phrases, pictures and connotations. (For those who do not know what a birthday card is…. Forget it.. You have missed a lot of stuff because you were born late)
Anyway, I pulled one of those cards out, signed my name on it (at least then she would remember my name) and handed over the birthday card to her, wishing her a happy birthday before I took my share of the cake.
A few hours later, I hear allegations of being a “sexist” who had just hand delivered an inappropriate and offensive greeting card. I checked again if it was the right word. I would have loved being called the “Sexiest” hoping it was a spelling mistake, but No… the word was definitely Sexist, offensive, inappropriate…..
Inappropriate, Offensive, disrespectful, insensitive….. I must be ticking all the wrong boxes of friendship I am guessing. And yet, I call myself addicted to my friends.
My journey with sarcasm, empathy-less words continue. I always wonder where I go wrong. Is it in speaking my mind too soon, or in assuming that people just automatically “Get” the gist of my words …. Or it is just wrong timing… or could it even be wrong people.
Not the wrong people, I definitely hope, coz a few of those are still around in my list of friends while some have moved on to find more empathetic friends. And I definitely don’t want to lose the ones that are still there.
But this is who I am.
I speak my mind and 9 out of 10 times I make super sense. But there is always that 1 out of 10… (actually I think it is more like 1 out of 100 times), I speak nonsense. (I can’t be perfect always 🤓)
So I am gonna repeat what I had told this girl who I had gifted the “inappropriate” card to ….
To err is human … To forgive is Divine….
So please be that Divine friend in my life.
Post script: That girl who accused me of being a sexist offensive and disrespectful took some time to come around and is now married to me for 21 years😀😀😀
I don't know if she would (at least now) trade the word Sexist to Sexiest. I haven't asked her. Didn't want to sound Insensitive again...😂😂😂
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